My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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