and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
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