dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize