just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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