I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize