Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This can only be settled by a dance off.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
