I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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