Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
