i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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