my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
