please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
