I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
