The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
