Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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