My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
