i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
