My girlfriend figured out who you are.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
