Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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