According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
