How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
