youre lurking in front of me
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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