i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
