I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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