Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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