I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
