This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
