ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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