Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize