True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
