I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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