I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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