My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
