I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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