If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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