Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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