hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
