yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
