Im at strip club and am horny
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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