Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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