I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
it's like heaven, but drunker
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
