tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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