Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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