I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
