we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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