it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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