Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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