Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
