yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
my being single is dangerous.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Randomize
