I wish life had little blips of pornography
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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