I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
well you can't waste a boner
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
