I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
