My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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