K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize