the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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