I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize