Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
