Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're a waste of cheezeits
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
