I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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