dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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